Life Pages

I still haven’t found what I am looking for….

Does life give everyone everything? This question is all wrong. Why does one need to wait for ‘everything’ to be happy? Why does the onus lie on life? When happiness lies more in little thoughts, little actions, little smiles. What is it that keeps us humans so unsatisfied all the times, we achieve our goals and then we are happy for a moment, we celebrate and then we forget seeking another goal, there is clearly no end to this!! Yes, it is called a circle of life for a reason. What actually matters (relationships) gets long forgotten in this race that we have with each other, to get better or at least pretend to be better off, for the right or wrong reasons.

Life is only as much complicated as we make it. For Librans like me, decision making times are the most testing times for us. Looking at even the least important stuff from all sides can be exhausting, it is just easy to be biased. But I truly wish the world was a more open place, less biased, less negative, less judgmental, more forgiving, more embracing, more kind. Everyone likes to be around flexible people, around good listeners, people who let go. Everyone has an issue with stubbornness but most of the times it is only the stubborn people who actually have an issue with stubbornness. We see the world as we are, as simple as that!

I am so fortunate to have a lovely family, this is what I have always wanted, with the guy that I am in love with. Yet, sometimes, it is good to partake from family, to realize how wonderful they are, a little separation is healthy. Not this long though as it is for me currently. I am in a good place now with the best family, lovely neighbors and a fantastic job. However, the move related to that fantastic job is constantly on my sub-conscious mind. Should I really disrupt everything here for that job that I love? Since childhood, I have been taught to always put family first and that is the very reason that I had originally given up on this dream job. It is family that truly matters which I know and hence I am unable to give in to this move yet. Every day when I sit and work, I think this is what I want to keep doing and yet when it is time to relax with family in the evening, something holds me back. And then I think, why I am still unsatisfied? I have everything so why not just enjoy this moment? Easier said than done, huh?

I do not know what next, still contemplating. I read on LinkedIn that 75% people are unhappy with their jobs, I wonder about entrepreneurs. I have hopped jobs and have never been truly this happy because I know that this is what makes me happy. But what makes me even happier is my family. I cannot take their smiles away in bringing an 8 hour career smile on my face. That would be too selfish, no? This reminds me of that song from Sing 2, “I still haven’t found what I am looking for…..”

I guess I will have to keep my search on for my next goal. One thing is clear that family comes first but what comes next? The immigration has played a big role in not allowing me and my spouse to pursue what we had really wanted to and now that the path is clear, I know that I will not feel good about it if my family is unhappy. The onus is on me, to search further on my what next if not this? Maybe start my own business? I am just so used to work from home and receive that paycheck now, maybe I am not ready to run yet, to grow another baby (business). Building it up takes a lot of time I am sure but as of now that is not something to think about. I had also thought about being a Financial Advisor, getting a CFP, even got a job offer in the field twice, not once. And yet, I could not take that final step towards it due to the sales nature ingrained in it. I hardly enjoy talking to people, so that would not be the right profession after all.

I saw a series on Netflix, the girl on that series is an Indian you tube queen as they call her. She has established herself so well that now she is getting really good film offers. Being on you tube does require dedication but it could pay off, certainly not my cup of tea though lol! It is just fascinating to see how people have grown, everyone has a story to tell but for now, all I should be worried about is my own story and what makes my heart beat!

The Notebook - smitten!

March 14, 2021